Jesus is the Lord!

I’m the worst, stupidest, Patti paparazzi the Lord Jesus firstdumbest piece of crap that ever lived. Don’t follow me, don’t do anything I ever did. Read the Bible, go to Church, play golf, listen to jazz. Don’t ever do drugs or listen to that stupid music or play those stupid games. Stay off the internet porn! Go running, meditate, pray, work with others. I am just an absolute fool. I always thought I was doing something good but it’s not, everything I ever thought was right was misguided and wrong. I followed idols and worldly things and justified it in foolish and naive ways. For instance, I chose to serve others through the most efficient and scalable ways that I could think of, rather than simply serving others directly. It is a slippery slope of thought, for example once you start thinking “is there a better way to do this” rather than just doing it, it basically always ends in robots, or health and fitness and entertainment. But nobody actually needs those things. I spent so long on my game project that when it collapsed I turned to fitness and health supplements for myself out of hope of getting some time back in my life, which then became a business. But of course that is futile, like Jesus says, you can suddenly die at any moment. Become a Doctor! Well, in a way my business was in theory a more efficient “higher good” than becoming a Doctor. Except if we develop the technology to live forever, then we will need to choose between that or choosing to die out of faith in Christ to get to a different, better world. I’ll choose Christ. I’m just a terrible person and I didn’t understand, my intentions made sense to me and I was foolish in relying on my own understanding or having faith in myself at all. My intentions were not always perfect but from the beginning they were, after a while I hurt myself enough that it got twisted a bit, but then I was able to turn myself around and reconditioned myself to be nearly behaviorally perfect through fitness, so then I thought that to be useful. I’m finding out that the Bible is much more useful, and we aren’t supposed to be perfect, we are supposed to forgive. My interpretation of what I thought was the Lord’s will was just completely wrong and I was too dense or defensive or recalcitrant to listen or understand. I believed in Jesus, but due to my own lack of wisdom I did not understand the Church. Many things I thought were good things, or great inventions or ideas, were actually just not good at all. For instance, I thought the gameplay idea of the dance game was a great invention to make a genuinely fun exercise machine. I just wanted one for myself, but then I again looked for the “maximum good” I could do for others and wanted to share it, feeling it selfish to have one only for myself. That led to a slippery slope of developing a fitness arcade and then needing to fill it with games. I did not understand the nature of the content at that time, as I was naive to it myself and already a victim of an industry pattern of my own doing. I understand now that it is the product of a mainly politically neutral culture and that is what I was drawn to and influenced by. But wouldn’t loving others include other cultures? What if those cultures don’t fully believe in Christ as God? Then it just becomes about forgiveness I guess. It did come with a warning! When I say political it actually does not really correspond to actual politics in my mind because I think both political sides fulfill and dismiss different aspects of Christianity and that is why it goes back and forth to keep the balance, however I am probably wrong about that too. The wicked difficulty and taunting themes of the games ultimately burned me out. However I also knew it was important to forgive, and it gave me great skills and “self esteem” (not so great after all), so I still thought it a great invention. Perhaps it would be ok with Gospel music and reasonable difficulty and Christian themes instead of ego boosting entrapment. Probably not though. As it is I think it instilled some wickedness in my heart as a result of going through trauma. But ultimately I think I did it all to myself. I looked at technology as a solution to problems truly only solved by the Lord, believing it to be part of the Lord’s design because it was the only thing that made sense to me. I believed in myself and my own judgment or lack thereof instead of believing solely in Christ. With no true discernment I believed that my own ego was somehow the power of the Lord working through me and kept getting increasingly misguided as a result. While the Old Testament appears to me to be politically conservative, Jesus Himself seems somewhat politically neutral in my interpretation, which I believe to be in part how He came to save everyone. However, the rest of the New Testament appears to me to be mostly somewhat politically conservative once again, but in a linear timeline Jesus would not have had that as part of His Scriptures. Sensing this, I instinctively chose to follow a politically neutral path, trying to naively sort of emulate Jesus Himself in my limited understanding. Because of my self inflicted suffering and foolishness I was increasingly blinded and the more I was hurt the further I withdrew instead of realizing or facing my error. When I had some luck or accidental success I believed it to be a sign that confirmed my misguided faith. Sensing results along my politically neutral path and believing this to be in part what Jesus meant when He said we could do what He was doing, I encountered much politically neutral and politically left leaning content, however I only continued to hurt and confuse myself and this drove me to madness, causing me to turn back and become politically conservative. However, I became embroiled in another situation in which I once again, this time out of what seemed to be moral necessity, had to choose politically neutral actions and eventually seemed to somehow possibly ambiguously manifest spiritual outcomes from higher dimensional sources in real time, driving myself completely mad, which is the very least of what I deserve. I don’t know, I am uncertain. Regardless, I am now absolutely convinced of the divinity of Christ, and the necessity of Him dying on the Cross to forgive my sins. I believe that is the part of the Church which I did not understand correctly. In understanding this, the necessity for studying and obeying the entire Bible is clear, especially in light of this modern world where it is becoming increasingly impossible to determine whether anything is “real.” Did I manifest this all? Perhaps it was always this way and I simply could not detect it. However, there are still ambiguities and multiple interpretations no matter who you ask, so I can only do my best, but as it says, we are not meant to be perfect. Now I understand, we are left to our own devices and are made free to follow a politically neutral path, but the result will end in the necessity for the forgiveness of sins and a return to a conservative path, unless you perfectly love others no matter what which frankly seems impossible, and would likely result in your own sort of crucifixion. Every decision I’ve made I’ve tried to make by reasoning for the greatest good, yet I’ve landed myself in the worst situation. Even giving the games away for free was the worst idea, even though it was a fulfillment of my original goal which was simply not to be selfish. And I made it even worse with my dumb video which made it seem intentional. It was not, I posted that because I found it funny for a moment that I actually ended up in that position. It’s not funny. I am truly cursed! The road to hell is paved in good intentions. Hence we are truly only saved by Christ, everything He said was perfect. The Word of God is perfect. I repent and I am truly sorry for everything. I am a horrible, terrible, absolutely wretched sinner. Please me have mercy on me, Lord. Follow Christ and Christ alone. Don’t believe in yourself, believe only in the Lord. Don’t honor a fool. If there is value in anything, God will decide. Get off the technology. Get in the Word. I am sorry, Lord Jesus. You praiseare the Only Way. I truly need Jesus the most as my Lord and Savior. Let the Lord’s will be done. Glory to you, Lord. Glory to God! I’m glad to be of service in whichever way You choose.

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